Why come in fantasy and sci-fi books, authors ruin otherwise interesting worlds by naming things the dumbest thing they can think of? I am reading a pretty good fantasy book right now, but in order to portray that things aren't the way they were on earth (the book is set on a fantasy world colony of earth) normal items have dumb prefixes to constantly remind you that you're not reading about earth. Unhorse? Alteroak? Neocount? Neoqueen?
Stop using dumb words just keep telling me about your awesome magic system and story dammit.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
From the Desk of Cl. and Sp. Notes, Bros. at Large
I just got the internet letter from two imaginary people. Read it!
Do not worry gentle readers, I am not intimidated by fake characters coming to life and unleashing their baseless legal action on me.
It wouldn't be the first time, and I did fine for myself last time. Stay tuned.
Dear Mr. N. Notes,
You should know what we understand what it is you are said to doing in our name. You should also know that it is our name and that is how we get away with it. Notes, I mean. Our name is Notes. That is how we avoid not only lawsuits but vigilante murders by ourselves, if you know what I'm getting at.
(Note: What Notes means here is simply that he is threatening Nick for using the family name. The language here indicates that there is an underlying reason for Notes' anger - namely, that his business is now in trouble due to Nick's superb emulation of the Notes' style of book-shortening.)
Whoops that was my instinct just kicking in. Anyway, cease and desist right now or else there will be consequences.
With promises of legal and/or vigilante action,
Cliff Notes, Brother at Large.
PS I loved your work on Moby-Dick!
Do not worry gentle readers, I am not intimidated by fake characters coming to life and unleashing their baseless legal action on me.
It wouldn't be the first time, and I did fine for myself last time. Stay tuned.
A Scene
Midnight - The Offices of the Notes Brothers, Cliff and Spark
Cliff: Spark, I'm almost done removing the beauty and grace from the latest Cormac McCarthy so that students can get good grades without doing any work.
Spark: Would you just shut up Cliff! First! Don't state our mission so openly, do you want to get us killed? Second! Some internet asshole just made his own version of us!
Cliff: I'm sure it's nothing, don't overreact like you always do to everything.
Spark: Would you just come over here and read it DAMMIT!
Cliff moseys over and reads Nick's Notes on Moby Dick.
Cliff: Damn, this guy's good. If we don't act, he could ruin our empire. It's like he sees right through us.
Spark: You know what to do Cliff. Just what Father Notes taught us. Take no prisoners.
TO BE CONTINUED
Cliff: Spark, I'm almost done removing the beauty and grace from the latest Cormac McCarthy so that students can get good grades without doing any work.
Spark: Would you just shut up Cliff! First! Don't state our mission so openly, do you want to get us killed? Second! Some internet asshole just made his own version of us!
Cliff: I'm sure it's nothing, don't overreact like you always do to everything.
Spark: Would you just come over here and read it DAMMIT!
Cliff moseys over and reads Nick's Notes on Moby Dick.
Cliff: Damn, this guy's good. If we don't act, he could ruin our empire. It's like he sees right through us.
Spark: You know what to do Cliff. Just what Father Notes taught us. Take no prisoners.
TO BE CONTINUED
Moby-Dick Spoiler Alert!
(Side-question - do you need to say spoiler alert when the book came out 157 years ago? I think that's a long enough grace period, but anyway.)
Welcome to this edition of Nick's Notes - Moby Dick!
(Apologies to Cliff's Notes and Spark Notes, please don't sue me okay?)
Call me Ishmael. I assume you know a lot about the Bible and mythology? Good. I wanted to go to sea some time ago, so I found a pagan named Queequeg to ship off with. We formed a strangely homoerotic relationship that doesn't quite resurface until the very end, and then only in metaphor. Anyway, we both wanted to go to sea, so we went on this boat and there was this eloquently crazy captain who didn't even come on deck for like a few months. But then he did come out and he only had one leg! The other was a whale bone or something.
Ahab (the captain with one leg) told us that a whale had bitten the other leg off, and that we were hunting that one whale (Moby Dick). Ahab bound the crew to this through a near-religious ceremony. This was all recounted with great prose by me, Ishmael.
Then I decided to explain every aspect of the whaling industry in a pretty awesome way, every now and then injecting some story into it.
We met some other boats, and asked them all if they knew where this crazy whale was, and only a couple had heard of him. Oh man, then the story really ramps up at the end, when I finish explaining all the whaling stuff and it's just story. I say some Biblical metaphors. Queequeg gets sick and almost dies, and gets the carpenter to build him a coffin, but then Queequeg gets better and we decide to use the coffin for a life-buoy after we waste on of our life-buoys on some guy who fell off the boat and died. Then with like 20 pages left, we see Moby Dick. He kicks the boat's ass completely for three whole days, and at the end everyone but me dies because he completely shatters our boat. I float to safety on Queequeg's coffin. Contemporary literary criticism is mixed, but eventually most people who read my book like it a lot.
Congratulations! You've just heard a retelling of Moby Dick which takes out all the beautiful language and complex metaphors and imagery and humor! That is not at all what the book is like, which is why Cliff's Notes and Spark Notes should go out of business.
Welcome to this edition of Nick's Notes - Moby Dick!
(Apologies to Cliff's Notes and Spark Notes, please don't sue me okay?)
Call me Ishmael. I assume you know a lot about the Bible and mythology? Good. I wanted to go to sea some time ago, so I found a pagan named Queequeg to ship off with. We formed a strangely homoerotic relationship that doesn't quite resurface until the very end, and then only in metaphor. Anyway, we both wanted to go to sea, so we went on this boat and there was this eloquently crazy captain who didn't even come on deck for like a few months. But then he did come out and he only had one leg! The other was a whale bone or something.
Ahab (the captain with one leg) told us that a whale had bitten the other leg off, and that we were hunting that one whale (Moby Dick). Ahab bound the crew to this through a near-religious ceremony. This was all recounted with great prose by me, Ishmael.
Then I decided to explain every aspect of the whaling industry in a pretty awesome way, every now and then injecting some story into it.
We met some other boats, and asked them all if they knew where this crazy whale was, and only a couple had heard of him. Oh man, then the story really ramps up at the end, when I finish explaining all the whaling stuff and it's just story. I say some Biblical metaphors. Queequeg gets sick and almost dies, and gets the carpenter to build him a coffin, but then Queequeg gets better and we decide to use the coffin for a life-buoy after we waste on of our life-buoys on some guy who fell off the boat and died. Then with like 20 pages left, we see Moby Dick. He kicks the boat's ass completely for three whole days, and at the end everyone but me dies because he completely shatters our boat. I float to safety on Queequeg's coffin. Contemporary literary criticism is mixed, but eventually most people who read my book like it a lot.
Congratulations! You've just heard a retelling of Moby Dick which takes out all the beautiful language and complex metaphors and imagery and humor! That is not at all what the book is like, which is why Cliff's Notes and Spark Notes should go out of business.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
RIP Pequod
Finished up Moby Dick this morning, and I'm still processing it. I think I will be for some time, actually. It is not a tale that you easily forget. Every page is so drenched with meaning that one could think about it for the rest of one's life. I'm sure there are people like this, because one way to describe this thing is Biblical. A story of revenge, morality, history, retribution, and the multi-faceted realities of human nature.
It is beyond comprehension the first time 'round. It is simultaneously a very simple story and an extremely complex epic. I'm proud of myself for getting through it, and I'm sure I will do it again when I'm ready.
On Monday, Jess and I are going out to our alma mater with our recently-booked wedding photographer to do what's called an engagement session, even though we've been engaged for over a year. It's really more a chance to get some good professional pictures of ourselves in a more casual setting, to get used to being the center of attention in front of a camera, and to maybe get some pictures we can use for wedding stuff. It helps that we negotiated the price a bit and essentially got this upcoming session for free. Should be fun to document our enjoyment of each other.
I guess this may not be the place for this - such a place exists elsewhere on the internet - but there it is.
Oh and I got a haircut at an actual place for like the first time in 5 years. Evidently my haircut is modeled after Cary Grant. Whatever. I am clean cut for a change, and I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
It is beyond comprehension the first time 'round. It is simultaneously a very simple story and an extremely complex epic. I'm proud of myself for getting through it, and I'm sure I will do it again when I'm ready.
On Monday, Jess and I are going out to our alma mater with our recently-booked wedding photographer to do what's called an engagement session, even though we've been engaged for over a year. It's really more a chance to get some good professional pictures of ourselves in a more casual setting, to get used to being the center of attention in front of a camera, and to maybe get some pictures we can use for wedding stuff. It helps that we negotiated the price a bit and essentially got this upcoming session for free. Should be fun to document our enjoyment of each other.
I guess this may not be the place for this - such a place exists elsewhere on the internet - but there it is.
Oh and I got a haircut at an actual place for like the first time in 5 years. Evidently my haircut is modeled after Cary Grant. Whatever. I am clean cut for a change, and I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
Friday, November 7, 2008
November Time
Well November has been looking up. It's a month of things to come for me, not a month of in-the-present rewards. I've had a couple job interviews, but no offers. A potentially great president has been elected, but has not been sworn in. Band is writing and performing, in hopes of building momentum. I would like to say the joy is in the search but it's only true for the band. Not having a job sucks a little more every day. Pretty soon, it's applications to Borders, Barnes and Noble, Whole Foods, what have you, just to break even until something else comes along.
Almost done with Moby Dick. Really getting good now. It was good before, but now it's becoming something else entirely.
The "new" Dylan is awesome. I've been listening to the man for about 3 days straight, mostly the recent stuff, but this man is not going anywhere.
Everyone (ie my bandmate and my fiancee, and a couple of my friends) come to out show on Wednesday, ok?
Almost done with Moby Dick. Really getting good now. It was good before, but now it's becoming something else entirely.
The "new" Dylan is awesome. I've been listening to the man for about 3 days straight, mostly the recent stuff, but this man is not going anywhere.
Everyone (ie my bandmate and my fiancee, and a couple of my friends) come to out show on Wednesday, ok?
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