A New Blog.

I have created a new blog specifically for comics and music. That will probably be my primary blog from here on in, so update your bookmarks/rss. ALL of you.

https://krefted.wordpress.com/

Comics

I bought some graph paper a while back, and from time to time I use it to draw little comics. I'll post them every so often. Here are a bunch. This batch was all drawn on March 1.

Interview with Neil "The Real Deal" O'Neill

That's right, internet. It is time for my exclusive interview with pro-wrestler and humanitarian Neil "The Real Deal" O'Neill!!

Over-Analyzed: What is your favorite marine animal?
Neil O'Neill: Depends on how I feel. Usually a seal or eel.

OA: You are a well known lover of music. Vinyl or CD?
NO: Actually, I prefer reel to reel.

OA: What is your favorite television show?
NO: Tie. "Deal or No Deal" and "Ally McBeal".

OA: Who is your favorite professional athlete?
NO: Used to be Paul O'Neill, but now it's Shaquille O'Neal.

OA: Isn't that a bit unfair to just choose athletes with basically your last name?
NO: Doesn't feel like a big deal.

OA: Fair enough. It's time for our Lightning Round! One word answers only! Favorite color?
NO: Teal.

OA: Favorite religious attribute?
NO: Zeal.

OA: Favorite metal?
NO: Steel.

OA: Favorite action if someone is hurt?
NO: Heal.

OA: Favorite car part?
NO: Wheel.

OA: Favorite part of the banana?
NO: Peel.

OA: Favorite French name?
NO: Gilles.

OA: Favorite meat?
NO: Veal.

OA: Favorite body part?
NO: Heel.

OA: Favorite pose?
NO: Kneel.

OA: Good stuff. Way to handle the lightning round. Very informative. Well, thanks so much for granting us this exclusive interview, Neil! Best of luck in the future.
NO: It's been real.

There you have it. Here is a sneak peak from next week's interview with Neil's arch-nemesis, "True Blue" Stew Carew:

"Shoe."

See you next week!

Live bloggin reading Zack's blog

My friend Zack just moved his blog to a new host and changed to a funnier name. Last week he live blogged the last sip of a hot chocolate. I was going to live blog my reaction to his pictures, but instead I'll just show you the pictures I would have used.

What's going on here? I am intrigued...

Oh my god, will he enjoy this sip?
Will he burn his tongue? Oh my god!

Relief! My friend pretty much enjoyed
his hot chocolate, plus did not get burned.
Enjoy your day friend.

Read his website on the internet. It is funnier and more frequently updated than mine.

Happy New Year

I think this is funny.

Via Wikipedia, this is a list of the charges against Richard Reid (aka Shoe-bomber aka world-class asshole and Al-Qaeda operative). See if you can find the funny one:

I. Attempted Use of Weapon of Mass Destruction
II. Attempted Homicide
III. Placing an Explosive Device on Aircraft
IV. Attempted Murder
V. Interference with Flight Crew and Attendants
VI. Attempted Destruction of an Aircraft
VII. Using a Destructive Device During and in Relation to a Crime of Violence
VIII. Attempted Wrecking of a Mass Transportation Vehicle

He was found guilty of all charges and sentenced to life in a super maximum security prison. So. Yes. 12.5% of the reason that the infamous shoe-bomber, enemy of freedom and would-be destroyer of human life, is imprisoned for life, is that his actions got in the way of the work of flight attendants.

The fact that they even bothered with this charge in the face of everything else he did and planned really made me laugh. There is very little else to say about this.

Drag Racing

Whenever drag racing comes up, I get angry because I think it is a stupid thing to watch and care about. It seems absolutely arbitrary and is the antithesis of sport.

Then I read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drag_racing

Not only did it fail to enlighten what might be redeeming about drag racing, it added to my theory of arbitrariness. I don't think anyone really knows why one car goes faster than another. There is something about "sticky tires" and something about "nitrous tanks". But really, does it matter how sticky your fucking tires are if the guy next to you has twice as must nitrous in his tank? Even the restrictions I'm sure are in place are arbitrary. "That much nitrous would make this race ridiculous. Don't even go there, drag racers."

I guess what I really dislike about it is the fact that it is a sport between two drag racers. It should really just be more of a scientific endeavor - who can build the fastest damn car ever? Not, who can consistently do the best wind sprints in a car that goes faster than a spaceship?

Stupid.

A conversation.

"He's a growing boy, he needs his protein!" said the anthropomorphic cartoon jar of peanut butter, emphasizing his point by slapping his anthropomorphic cartoon bottle of jelly across the face again. He was justifying his place of dominance in their sandwiches.

For the fifth time this month, the bottle of jelly secretly vowed to leave her abusive husband, but the truth was that she had a tough psychological life which made her more sexually attracted to him the more brutal he was. The sandwiches they made were just too good to leave him. But she made empty threats anyway.

"I know about you and that young anthropomorphic cartoon plastic squeeze bottle of strawberry jam from your office, why don't you go off and made your easy sandwiches together you bastard!"

"Maybe I will!" said the jar of peanut butter, who then stormed out the door and slammed it behind him.

"He'll be back," she whispered. "Grape jelly is the best thing for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." Even though it was true, it rang false in her ears and as she sobbed herself to sleep in their anthropomorphic cartoon pantry-house, she could envision of the sounds of strawberry jam being spread over her husband's body by a tired housewife before her children went to school.

The end

NOTE Domestic violence is not funny unless it's done by anthropomorphic cartoon food. Also, what the hell is wrong with me?

LeVar Burton

I was thinking of doing a joke about LeVar Burton's career, like "Mr. Burton, you've been in at least 2 tv shows. Which 2 roles would you like to be remembered for?" Then he'd say "Star Trek and Reading Rainbow." This was a joke on how he was only in 2 things. Then I saw that he was basically the main guy in "Roots" back in the day, and I felt like an asshole. Sorry, LeVar. Your career has some credibility.

Misunderstood?

A daytime story.

(Ed. Apologies to feminists for assuming gender. It makes this story easier.)

Today I was working and I heard a rustling like paper bags in the bedroom. I turn off the music and listen. There it is again! I go check out the bedroom, look inside, take a scan of the room, and see nothi.....oh wait. That's a sparrow. Perching on a shoebox. Inside my apartment.

Two questions hit me at this point - how did this bird get inside my completely-blocked-to-the-outside-world-I-mean-not-even-a-window-open apartment, and now how do I get it out. On a suggestion from the father-in-law, I put the cat in the bathroom, throw open the front and back doors, and try to scare the poor little guy the fuck out of my apartment.

Using a box (I use logic in crisis, not a "broom"), I managed to scare it directly into my closet, where it promptly got squished between a plastic bag full of stuff and the back wall. I tried to use the box to trap the bird and the bag at once, but I guess I moved the bag around a little too much and the bugger went under the bed. This is where I lost him for 5 minutes. After a bunch of snooping around with a flashlight, I found him sitting quietly (he was extremely petrified) next to Jess' bedside table. I proceed to take a candle out of our hurricane glassware, and scoop his little hollow-boned ass into his temporary cage. This is what he looked like:



So I dumped him outback, where he fluttered around for a little while, then settled down in a puddle of dirty water, where he has been sitting ever since, completely in shock, unable to face the world.


Goodbye forever, bird.

what if

what if being in a band was like being on a major league baseball team, and instead of having to book your own shows and beg and scrape to get new people to show up, a multi-billion dollar organization designed a yearly schedule for you and, on your worst nights, 8,000 would come see you dick around in a huge stadium.

think about this ok?

LANGUAGE PARADOX

When people say "'nuff said" or "enough said", doesn't that negate the fact that enough has already been said? Isn't saying "'nuff said" really just a way of making a point that you didn't think was quite inherent to the information you just presented? What I'm getting at is, if there really ever was 'nuff said, no one would ever say "'nuff said" because the fact that the point spoke for itself would be so clear that it would require no further comment - "'nuff said" included.

In other news, Roger Federer knocked up some lady I think. Congrats Fed.

i have a job.

blogs are a place where you can twitter about things that are longer than what you can normally put in twitter. you couldn't fit this post into twitter, which is why i'm blogging instead of twittering.

quiz
what is twitter used for?
tiny blogs is the answer.

happy friday.

a video

It seems like a lot of my friends are doing this, so I'll try my hand, fans.

Watch my video.

Manny?

Usually, Manny Ramirez sends unpublished chapters of his autobiography to my friend's blog, but for some reason he sent one over here today. Oh, Manny. (ed. Zack's blog is really great, you should read it, it is so great, he's the one that came up with Manny Ramirez, he invented the baseball player on his blog.)

Chapter 100

It is 4:13 AM, 100 years in the future. It is a world without Manny Ramirez, yet I am there to see it. I stop at a toy store, to look in at a child. He wants a toy, but his mother is not letting him get that toy. I think it is a plastic gun, but I don't get a good look. His mother's rejection passed through the boy, and instead, Manny Ramirez feels rejected. I need to move on.

The next place I stop is a home. There is a spider's web on the outside of the home. I brush it away with disgust. I should never have stopped at this filthy home.

As the sun crests the hills of this suburban town, I feel my body dissolving, like water in a desert. I float into the air, a million pieces of Manny Ramirez overlooking the countryside. We float from town to town, seeing the same world from a million different angles. We, Manny Ramirez.

It is too long since we have ranged this far. Too long since we have hunted. We are Manny Ramirez, and each one of us could hit 55 home runs in a season.

Music Blogs

I have created what a music blog is like in my head, but on the internet! Check it out, and see if it is accurate.

Rudy says Please listen to me.

Hey. Guy. Buddy. Give me another chance. No, I really felt like you gave me a raw deal on Monday! I'm more than just a guy who doesn't know what INTERNET is. (What does that stand for anyway? Man, I'll never understand it!) That's just what you asked me to do here. This is all your fault! You ask me here to talk about how little Blog I understand, and then just write me off because it didn't pan out the way you'd hoped! Well, sir, let me tell you a little biography about me, Rudy.

My name is Rudy, and while it is true that I have never understood INterNET, there are many other things I haven't understood over my55-year life. Love, seasonal change, the causes of the Civil War, why U2 is so famous, how they make towels, recycled paper, batteries, what butter is, tectonic plates, time-lapse photography, the non-visible parts of the electromagnetic spectrum, how they make all the pages in the magazines stay there without all falling out all over the place, rubber bands - this is just a small list of things that I don't understand!

My life is just a long list of missed experiences and inability to care about things long enough to learn what's actually happening in the world. This is why I am a businessman from the 70's, when all you needed to be successful was a father who was a businessman in the 50's. I don't understand the money that I exchange withe other businessmen, I don't understand how stocks work, all I know is that sometimes I get on the phone with someone who has put their business card into my hand and say a bunch of jargon, and somehow that means that I get paid. The money I make mainly goes towards magazines - I can't get enough of magazines! I like all the pictures, and I don't at ALL understand anything about how they are made.

I am Rudy, and this is my life. I have over 2000 magazine subscriptions.

December

I know what you guys are thinking: "Wow, it's been a while since that last post, bro. You must be into some serious type stuff." I say, to you guys: "No. I am just lazy. I'm literally home in front of the computer almost all the time, I just don't have the energy to think of something clever." You guys are now thinking: "Oh."

So here is my triumphant return - a new feature! It is called "Mondays with Rudy." Let's welcome Rudy.


Hello, Blog! I have heard a lot of things about you in the Wall Street Journal. I have, even, invested a modest amount of my wealth into Technology Stocks, which benefit Blog directly, in terms of money. That is, I have given you money on Blog.

I will tell you the truth. I do not know what Blog really means. This is why I am here. I think I have a fundamental misunderstanding of how Technology even in general works, per se. So I want the Intranet (is that the same as Blog Internet?) to go easy on me, and let me learn very slowly. I am writing this letter to Nick, hoping that he can convert it to Blog.


Okay Rudy. You are not being very funny today. You are a crappy premise. Of course you don't understand the Internet, you are a businessman from the 70's. You didn't grow up with it, and you don't have children, so you'll never really understand it. I get it. How much comedy can we draw from you confusing "Internet" and "Blog" anyway. Whatever, Rudy. We'll see if you're still around on Monday.

Fantasy books

Why come in fantasy and sci-fi books, authors ruin otherwise interesting worlds by naming things the dumbest thing they can think of? I am reading a pretty good fantasy book right now, but in order to portray that things aren't the way they were on earth (the book is set on a fantasy world colony of earth) normal items have dumb prefixes to constantly remind you that you're not reading about earth. Unhorse? Alteroak? Neocount? Neoqueen?

Stop using dumb words just keep telling me about your awesome magic system and story dammit.

From the Desk of Cl. and Sp. Notes, Bros. at Large

I just got the internet letter from two imaginary people. Read it!

Dear Mr. N. Notes,

You should know what we understand what it is you are said to doing in our name. You should also know that it is our name and that is how we get away with it. Notes, I mean. Our name is Notes. That is how we avoid not only lawsuits but vigilante murders by ourselves, if you know what I'm getting at.

(Note: What Notes means here is simply that he is threatening Nick for using the family name. The language here indicates that there is an underlying reason for Notes' anger - namely, that his business is now in trouble due to Nick's superb emulation of the Notes' style of book-shortening.)

Whoops that was my instinct just kicking in. Anyway, cease and desist right now or else there will be consequences.

With promises of legal and/or vigilante action,

Cliff Notes, Brother at Large.

PS I loved your work on Moby-Dick!

Do not worry gentle readers, I am not intimidated by fake characters coming to life and unleashing their baseless legal action on me.

It wouldn't be the first time, and I did fine for myself last time. Stay tuned.

A Scene

Midnight - The Offices of the Notes Brothers, Cliff and Spark

Cliff: Spark, I'm almost done removing the beauty and grace from the latest Cormac McCarthy so that students can get good grades without doing any work.

Spark: Would you just shut up Cliff! First! Don't state our mission so openly, do you want to get us killed? Second! Some internet asshole just made his own version of us!

Cliff: I'm sure it's nothing, don't overreact like you always do to everything.

Spark: Would you just come over here and read it DAMMIT!

Cliff moseys over and reads Nick's Notes on Moby Dick.

Cliff: Damn, this guy's good. If we don't act, he could ruin our empire. It's like he sees right through us.

Spark: You know what to do Cliff. Just what Father Notes taught us. Take no prisoners.

TO BE CONTINUED