Manny?

Usually, Manny Ramirez sends unpublished chapters of his autobiography to my friend's blog, but for some reason he sent one over here today. Oh, Manny. (ed. Zack's blog is really great, you should read it, it is so great, he's the one that came up with Manny Ramirez, he invented the baseball player on his blog.)

Chapter 100

It is 4:13 AM, 100 years in the future. It is a world without Manny Ramirez, yet I am there to see it. I stop at a toy store, to look in at a child. He wants a toy, but his mother is not letting him get that toy. I think it is a plastic gun, but I don't get a good look. His mother's rejection passed through the boy, and instead, Manny Ramirez feels rejected. I need to move on.

The next place I stop is a home. There is a spider's web on the outside of the home. I brush it away with disgust. I should never have stopped at this filthy home.

As the sun crests the hills of this suburban town, I feel my body dissolving, like water in a desert. I float into the air, a million pieces of Manny Ramirez overlooking the countryside. We float from town to town, seeing the same world from a million different angles. We, Manny Ramirez.

It is too long since we have ranged this far. Too long since we have hunted. We are Manny Ramirez, and each one of us could hit 55 home runs in a season.

Music Blogs

I have created what a music blog is like in my head, but on the internet! Check it out, and see if it is accurate.

Rudy says Please listen to me.

Hey. Guy. Buddy. Give me another chance. No, I really felt like you gave me a raw deal on Monday! I'm more than just a guy who doesn't know what INTERNET is. (What does that stand for anyway? Man, I'll never understand it!) That's just what you asked me to do here. This is all your fault! You ask me here to talk about how little Blog I understand, and then just write me off because it didn't pan out the way you'd hoped! Well, sir, let me tell you a little biography about me, Rudy.

My name is Rudy, and while it is true that I have never understood INterNET, there are many other things I haven't understood over my55-year life. Love, seasonal change, the causes of the Civil War, why U2 is so famous, how they make towels, recycled paper, batteries, what butter is, tectonic plates, time-lapse photography, the non-visible parts of the electromagnetic spectrum, how they make all the pages in the magazines stay there without all falling out all over the place, rubber bands - this is just a small list of things that I don't understand!

My life is just a long list of missed experiences and inability to care about things long enough to learn what's actually happening in the world. This is why I am a businessman from the 70's, when all you needed to be successful was a father who was a businessman in the 50's. I don't understand the money that I exchange withe other businessmen, I don't understand how stocks work, all I know is that sometimes I get on the phone with someone who has put their business card into my hand and say a bunch of jargon, and somehow that means that I get paid. The money I make mainly goes towards magazines - I can't get enough of magazines! I like all the pictures, and I don't at ALL understand anything about how they are made.

I am Rudy, and this is my life. I have over 2000 magazine subscriptions.

December

I know what you guys are thinking: "Wow, it's been a while since that last post, bro. You must be into some serious type stuff." I say, to you guys: "No. I am just lazy. I'm literally home in front of the computer almost all the time, I just don't have the energy to think of something clever." You guys are now thinking: "Oh."

So here is my triumphant return - a new feature! It is called "Mondays with Rudy." Let's welcome Rudy.


Hello, Blog! I have heard a lot of things about you in the Wall Street Journal. I have, even, invested a modest amount of my wealth into Technology Stocks, which benefit Blog directly, in terms of money. That is, I have given you money on Blog.

I will tell you the truth. I do not know what Blog really means. This is why I am here. I think I have a fundamental misunderstanding of how Technology even in general works, per se. So I want the Intranet (is that the same as Blog Internet?) to go easy on me, and let me learn very slowly. I am writing this letter to Nick, hoping that he can convert it to Blog.


Okay Rudy. You are not being very funny today. You are a crappy premise. Of course you don't understand the Internet, you are a businessman from the 70's. You didn't grow up with it, and you don't have children, so you'll never really understand it. I get it. How much comedy can we draw from you confusing "Internet" and "Blog" anyway. Whatever, Rudy. We'll see if you're still around on Monday.